Jamaicans in Heaven

by Wellesley
(Montego Bay, Jamaica)

This is a real thriller, thanks Nadeen.

St. Peter came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, I have to talk to you.

I have a problem. I know we didn't have many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action plan and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them.

They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin through the fence. They are constantly hanging out by the gate disturbing Angel Gabriel begging for a 'bly' for their baby modder, cousin, sistren, neighbor, granny, auntie...

Whenever it is their turn to watch the gates they keep letting in heavy, good looking women..

They have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes.. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "STYLING'. Angels must have two wings to fly! Some of them have put on chrome wings and are dazzling the other angels when they are flying.

The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they arrived because they didn't come to heaven to 'slave'. Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean because 'dem ah no helper'. Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don't like 'ital' food.

Some refuse to wear their halos because 'it will mess up their hairdo'. Some are wearing it backways. Others are wearing it with the tags still attached to them..

Others have discarded the white halos and are wearing gold ones instead; they claim these are 'bashy'. Most of the women have discarded their white robes and are wearing "batty riders' claiming that they have pretty skin and want to show off their 'bandy legs'.

Reggae music is blasted at all hours of the night. Their cellular phones are worn on their robes and keeps ringing during prayers. Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who claims he was only 'checking out' Eve. They have planted Ganja in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming 'man and man haffi hustle'. What should I do?!'

The Lord said, 'It wouldn't be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them and are using the wrong approach. Let's check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let's call the Devil..'

The Devil answered the phone and said, 'Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?'

The Lord said, 'We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you about it.'

The Devil said, 'Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold." The Devil was gone five
minutes. He came back to the phone and said, 'OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?'

The Lord said, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here.'

Again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold for fifteen minutes this time.

Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, 'Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damn Jamaicans down here..... I don't know where they found water, but they have put out the fire and yesterday they even had air conditioning installed saying 'man come yah fe chill'.

:-) :-) :-)

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May 27, 2014
jamaicans in heaven NEW
by: Anonymous

It madddd

Feb 13, 2014
loving it NEW
by: Kenrick johnson

I love this story it's the best I've ever heard love it!!!

Mar 25, 2013
mi a pop up NEW
by: Anonymous

mi belly a hurt mi.....dwl, dem a jerk chicken ina heaven....hahahahahah, dem out the devil fire and install air conditioner.....oh my goodness, I am in tears over here

Mar 05, 2010
Only Jamaicans!!!
by: "T"

Only Jamaicans can do such ting. I'm dying right now, this is so funny. Dem out di devils' fire weh him av dung a hell. lmao. =:))

Feb 20, 2010
by: Karen

This is good we all need something like this at time to make us :)

Jan 16, 2010
joke joke
by: Anonymous

It mad man

Dec 10, 2009
by: Anonymous

dat joke deh mek me head tun round two time

Aug 08, 2009
by: Anonymous

no man star dat did maaaddd couldn stop laugh ah aha ah

Jun 12, 2009
sell off
by: shantelle

rglol (roll on the ground laugh out loud)this is mad, sick bad

Jun 07, 2009
by: Anonymous2

lol only a Jamaican would understand "yow itself off"

Jun 05, 2009
Wicked Stuff!
by: Anonymous

lol! That had me crying! Sounds too true!

Jun 07, 2009
by: Anonymous

very funny ... i hope it was original Mark!

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A patriotic Jamaican who adores his culture, Wellesley has been using this medium to share what he calls 'the uniqueness of Jamaica with the world' - since April 2007.  

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