Diary of A Jamaican who moved to North Dakota (Joke)
by Lucille Campbell
(Englewood, NJ 07631, USA)
We have arrived in America!!! Finally! This marks a new chapter in our lives. It's very nice here. It's a little cool, but who needs HOT weather? This is perfect ... not too hot, not too cold.
It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some sweaters today and went for a short walk.
Loving America!!! This is what life's about.
The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut, so cold air cannot creep in. Outside may be cold, but it feels like Jamaica in this house.
The news reports say snow is on the way ... we cannot wait!!! We have never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting to see it for the first time.
Started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen. The wife cooked buttered buns and we sat by the window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Could never do anything like this in Jamaica. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT!!!
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow
covering the landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered like a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk.
Later, the city snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shovelled again.
Americans are so friendly!
It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around four degrees.
The cold weather is not so bad we can take this, not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish grey.
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tires for both cars. I slipped and fell on my "batty" in the driveway. Paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Still cold. Sold my wife's BMW and bought a 4x4 in order to get to work.
On my way to work,
the 4x4 skidded into the guard-rail and did considerable damage to the right fender. We had another 15 inches of white s.it last night. The vehicle is covered in salt and crud. More shovelling in store for me today.
Di damn snow-plow man do him job again. Watch me an' him!
Blouse and skirt ... the first heating bills just come! A how the hell it come to so much???
A two frig...g degrees out a door! And more rahtid snow de pon de way. Not a tree or shrub ina di yawd whe no get damage.
De power off most of the night. Wi try to keep from freezing to death wid candles and kerosene heater, but the heater tip over an' nearly bun dung the r...c..t house. Mi manage to put out the flames, but end up wid second degree burns pan mi hands, bun off mi yeyebrow and yeyelash dem. Den de car slide on the white s.it (again!) on the way to the hospital and wi haffi write it off.
Rahtid... dis snow yah nuh out fi stop??? Di ting keeps coming down! Mi affi put on all a di clothes wey mi own just fi go out to di damn mailbox. If I ever catch the bit..
wey drive di rahtid snow-plough yuh see, I gwine mek him mumma feel it.
Me really think sey 'im hide round di corner and wait 'til me finish shovel, den come down the street fast fast and cover up wi driveway again. Wicked nuh blow wow!!!
The power still off. The toilette freeze up some and part a di roof look lik it out fi cave in.
Eleven more bo..c..t inches a snow an' ice!!!!!!!!!! Jah know...dis nah right. I buss up the snow-plow wid di pick axe mi did have inna di shed, but the driva get weh.
The r...c..t car won't start and mi tink mi ah go snow-blind. Mi can feel mi toe dem and mi nuh see the b....c..t sun fi weeks!!!! An' guess wha? The weatherman ah predicts more snow!!!!!!!! Good fi r... him. The wind chill is 30 degrees below zero!!
Me a move back to Jamaica teday 'cause dis place yah a go kill mi!!!! If me can ketch a flight, at least mi will reach just in time fi Christmas dung a yard... 'Merica a nuh fi everybody!!
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A patriotic Jamaican who adores his culture, Wellesley has been using this medium to share what he calls 'the uniqueness of Jamaica with the world' since April 2007.
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