Does the Truth Help or Hurt Relationships?

by Kristin Denton



Remember how your relationship was in the very beginning?

You stayed up all night talking about everything - your dreams and desires and even the things that scare or embarrass you. But then, as the relationship went a long, you stopped talking about so much. Everything became so heavy and meaningful.

In the beginning, things were great. There was a level of trust and open communication that created intimacy and understanding. So, what happened to that? Where did it go and how can you get it back?

I used to try to protect my partner from those heavy, bad moods and ugly thoughts. I went to my room and hung out until I felt like socializing again.

I thought I was noble in my ability to control what came out of my mouth.

I thought I was kind because I never let on what I was thinking.

But what I was doing was ruining my relationships. There was no relationship. I was cutting myself off from others and never allowing them to know me. They never knew what I was thinking or feeling or needing.

I was an island. A very lonely island.

I really thought that if I let people know the ugly thoughts, not only would they be hurt - but they would probably become angry and disown me - betray me, talk shit behind my back. I would be the outcast.

So I beat them to the punch! Hah! I'd banish myself to my own room (or apartment, as I got older). I'd banish myself to silence.

You can either have a N.I.C.E. (Not Interested in Connecting Emotionally) relationship... where you hide what is true out of fear. Or you can have an alive, real relationship with intimacy, compassion and understanding.

Some people withhold from their partner and add an extra zinger -- they put on a show of pain and discomfort in order to punish them. It's an effort to communicate just how much pain they're in. But none of it's verbalized. It's a show of the pain.

When you start keeping secrets and withholding,.. when you cut off the sharing of life force between you,... you're cutting off the intimacy in your relationship. Even if you think you're protecting your partner from painful or embarrassing thoughts - it's still destroying your relationship.

Relationships require sharing... both our dreams and desires along with our doubts and fears.

What are you feeling and what needs of yours are being met or not? ...

I'm happy because my need for support in keeping our home is being met.

I'm disappointed because my need for partnership isn't being met in the way we're handling our finances.

I'm sad because my need for connection isn't being met when you're out with your friends every evening.

You can find out more about this style of intimate communication, along with other advice on building healthy, intimate relationships, at our website: www MagicRelationship dot com.



Another tip: when you offer your feelings and needs, it's best to follow them with a request. If you offer them without a request, your partner won't know why you're giving them the information.

Do you want to be just heard?

Do you want advice?

Do you want to come up with a strategy for meeting your needs? Why the heck are you telling me this?

Often, a comment without a request will be taken as blame... which will lead to fixing, fighting or fleeing. Don't leave your poor partner hanging.

Paul and I recommend asking, "Would you tell me what you heard me say?" (Avoid saying 'could'- it implies they aren't intelligent enough to repeat you. And avoid saying "What did I say?" because what you said and what they heard are two different things.)

And one more tip: don't think that little behaviors are enough to be warranted as 'sharing feelings and needs.' Fixing your honey a cup of coffee in the morning is very sweet, but it may not communicate your feelings of love and contentment like actually verbalizing the information. "I love you so much", PLUS the cup of coffee goes much further.

Frowning and throwing around the bed covers while you make the bed may not adequately communicate your feelings and needs, either.

Instead, say: "I'm feeling disappointed because my need for support around the house isn't being met. Would you be willing to discuss a way to help that would also meet your needs?"

There's no room for misinterpretation there.

Try it out this holiday season: make a pact with your beloved to share absolutely ALL your feelings and needs for one day - the good, the bad and the ugly. Then follow the information with a request.

Be prepared to spend some time processing and discussing those feelings and needs as they come up.

However, try to avoid getting into BLAMING and 'FAULT' behind the feelings and needs. That tends to end up in a free-for-all about evaluations and judgments - who's right and who's wrong. Try to stick with feelings, needs and requests.

Try to do this on a day when you'll have the time.

You won't want to get cut off because you have to run to pick up the kids right when you're getting to the heart of an issue that's snuck up silently between you.

You're going to want to stay and hold each other and talk it through... and feel the intimacy of clearing out all of those old, crusty feelings and unmet needs that have been clogging the flow of love.

And, again, you can find out more about this style of intimate communication for relationships, at our website - www MagicRelationship dot com - a along with advice on building healthy relationships.





About the Author

Kristin Denton & Paul Sterling teach Relationship Communication Skills - Live Seminars or Tele-Classes including - 4 Steps To Instant Intimacy & Understanding - Relationship-Wrecking Mistakes -To get a free copy of 'The 5 Mistakes Report' go to Free Report.

Click here to post comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Jamaican News And Events.

Like our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/myislandjamaica
Follow us on Twitter https://twitter.com/myislandjamaica

Articles You Might Have Missed...

Thanks For Reading!
Like What You Just Read?

Please join me in my effort to share the beauty and uniqueness of Jamaica with the world. You can do so by sharing this insightful narrative on the social media of your choice and ask others to do the same (BELOW). 

Need Help?

We have a cherry list of top Jamaican companies that might be able to help you. Please click here to see them, our preferred partners and site sponsors.


Get Exclusive Updates & Tips!

You are also welcome to join my special friends list and receive exclusive updates (like this), tips, trivia and stories from lovers of Jamaica!

facts about jamaica book icon

I'll Gift You A FREE COPY of my eBook, 101 Intriguing Facts About Jamaica - just for subscribing!

Just enter your email & name below:

copyscpe
Top Of Page
Wellesley Gayle
What's New? Click Here to read.

New!
I've created a Welcome Audio.

Just click the Play button below to listen.

Please subscribe here

SEARCH THE SITE



Site Sponsors

jamaica_click_down_here_visit_our_sponsors

Our Preferred Sponsors (below)

(Our Sponsorship Policy)

Jamaica Tours And Vacations
Jamaica Discovery Tours
Jamaican Souvenirs
Best Jamaican Souvenirs Cars For Sale In Jamaica
Cars For Sale
Photographers in Jamaica
Wedding Photographers

Click Here to Visit Our Sponsors' Page









What's New?

Below is a list of the very latest articles I posted on the site.

Recent Articles

  1. Refreshing Jamaican Sorrel - with the recipe!

    Dec 09, 16 09:36 PM

    The Jamaican Sorrel drink has always been a integral part of Jamaican food and culture, especially in the festive season. Here's a little backround...plus the recipe!

    Read More

  2. Determination, never give up on your dreams

    Dec 09, 16 08:28 PM

    Photo Contest Entry #32 -Determination, never give up on your dreams They asked, Young man why are you crying, soldiers don't cry. They didn't know what

    Read More

  3. Single Parenting In Jamaica - The Shocking Cause & Effects

    Dec 09, 16 12:44 PM

    Its scary, here are the real cause and effects of single parenting in Jamaica

    Read More

  4. Jamaica Parishes - Their Capitals And Landmark Attractions

    Dec 08, 16 12:55 PM

    Jamaica parishes. An overview of the 14 parishes in Jamaica, including their capitals, places of interest, landmark attractions and population

    Read More


Tips & Tricks For Your Jamaica Vacation!

Jamaica Travel Guide

Click Here To Get Your Copy


Resources

free_money_making_report

Friendly Links

  1. Our Partners & Friends
  2. Catcha Falling Star Villas
  3. Wade Hilton Jamaican Author
  4. The Jamaica Real Estate Guide
  5. Medicinal Herbs-4u.com
  6. DancehallReggaeWorld.com
Interested in becoming a partner? email me here

Buy Me A Drink


(Click on the drink below)