Rastaman going to Heaven
(Montego Bay, Jamaica)
Spiritual or not, this is another cracker...thanks Carolyn.
A Jamaican Rastaman dies and is on his way to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
But the gates begin to close as Ras approaches the gatekeeper...
St. Peter said, 'Well, you seem to be in the wrong place as I don't seem to have you on my list, but as there is such a crowd behind you and it would cause such a disruption I will give you an entrance examination if you pass it I will let you in. OK?
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can
get into Heaven.
"Fair enough", said the dread, ""I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was" .
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, but the test is only three questions. Here they are:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
'That one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How many seconds are there in a year? asked St. Peter.
How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied ras, 'but I think about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Well it got to be twelve he replied:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
What is God's first name?'
well 'Sure,' he replied, with a big grin . .
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,
When I used to go to church I would hear them sing
ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, man, run!!!'
This was sent to me by a friend and I thought it quite funny, hope you do to!
The National Poetry Contest was now down to the last two contestants; a Yale graduate and a Jamaican Rasta man. They were given a word and were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was “ Timbuktu ”.
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
“Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels…two by two;
their destination? Timbuktu."
A big applause went up! No way could the Rasta man top that, they thought.
The Rasta man calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
“Me and Tim, went on de road,
three thief stop wi, an want wi load.
They were three and we were two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
The crowd went wild!!
The Rasta man won. Of course!!
Putting it In
A married Jamaican man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Jamaican said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $1000 in the poor box.'
The Jamaican left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $1000 bill on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'