Jamaicans in Heaven

by Wellesley
(Montego Bay, Jamaica)

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This is a real thriller, thanks Nadeen.

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St. Peter came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, I have to talk to you.

I have a problem. I know we didn't have many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action plan and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them.

They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin through the fence. They are constantly hanging out by the gate disturbing Angel Gabriel begging for a 'bly' for their baby modder, cousin, sistren, neighbor, granny, auntie...

Whenever it is their turn to watch the gates they keep letting in heavy, good looking women..

They have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes.. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "STYLING'. Angels must have two wings to fly! Some of them have put on chrome wings and are dazzling the other angels when they are flying.


The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they arrived because they didn't come to heaven to 'slave'. Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean because 'dem ah no helper'. Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don't like 'ital' food.

Some refuse to wear their halos because 'it will mess up their hairdo'. Some are wearing it backways. Others are wearing it with the tags still attached to them..

Others have discarded the white halos and are wearing gold ones instead; they claim these are 'bashy'. Most of the women have discarded their white robes and are wearing "batty riders' claiming that they have pretty skin and want to show off their 'bandy legs'.

Reggae music is blasted at all hours of the night. Their cellular phones are worn on their robes and keeps ringing during prayers. Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who claims he was only 'checking out' Eve. They have planted Ganja in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming 'man and man haffi hustle'. What should I do?!'

The Lord said, 'It wouldn't be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them and are using the wrong approach. Let's check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let's call the Devil..'

The Devil answered the phone and said, 'Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?'

The Lord said, 'We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you about it.'

The Devil said, 'Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold." The Devil was gone five
minutes. He came back to the phone and said, 'OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?'

The Lord said, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here.'

Again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold for fifteen minutes this time.

Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, 'Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damn Jamaicans down here..... I don't know where they found water, but they have put out the fire and yesterday they even had air conditioning installed saying 'man come yah fe chill'.

:-) :-) :-)

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